Dysfunctional family.
For the records, I hate this term. Family is family. Period.
When I was growing up I was exposed to picture perfect family stories. Through movies, books and even real life narratives that flew directly or indirectly.
But my family per se was far from that perfection. I had lost my mother, my father had been asked to remarry and we were not only two sisters but also now having another brother. It was in my opinion- dysfunctional.
And almost all the time I told myself that I can never lead a normal life. I will evolve to be someone extremely weird, who had no sense of right or wrong. A thought that drove me to quite a few eccentricities.
Even today when I listen onto a friend explaining to me how awesome their parents had been and how supportive a family they grew out to be, it makes me wonder- Our parents not human anymore? Where did we lose this narrative?
Despite losing my mother at an early age I can still remember things she said or did to me which may have hurt. Or stuff she shouldn’t have carried out in a daily life. But that never stops me from loving her as much as I do.
And of course growing up with father saw many turmoils. The constant fight for space and the ever changing equations we had to grapple with. Yet if someone as much as mentions his name I can smile.
I watched Kapoor and Sons the other day. Needless to say I loved it (fact that I am mentioning it on my blog says a lot) and despite the narrative being slow and depressing, it came really close to our present lives.
Families are not perfect. We have grudges, we have feuds, we have things we do not speak but remember, we pretend we are okay about certain ideas but we aren’t and most importantly we internalise that the people we grew up with aren’t always correct.
But that doesn’t make us love them any less, in fact at times it makes us love them even more.
And families don’t come together to be functional or dysfunctional. They come together to be – Family.
When I started writing this post I didn’t know what I wanted to write. I watched the movie, it moved me. And something about it spoke volumes. The slow moving pace of Rajat Kapur and Ratna Pathak Shah’s story, the elusive extra marital affair pulling them apart and the memories holding them together. That is what we are. Things break us but then there are things that hold us through, perhaps in pieces yes. But that doesn’t make us dysfunctional.
Or does it?
What is the exact function of a family? To decide it is dysfunctional?
Do you believe families can be dysfunctional?
Connecting it to #MondayMusings
Hello Richa!
I think most of the families are a little dysfunctional. But, at the same time they are just family, irrespective of quirks they carry in different forms. A family has different characters (members) with different thoughts, ideas and aspirations. How can they be perfect without any differences? Sometimes, these differences are pronounced, sometimes stifled. It’s just a matter of respecting or objecting the differences.
For Kapoor & Sons, a watched it mainly because of Fawad Khan. I liked this film because of Fawad Khan, and the quirks. Though I feel the script is a little scattered as if the writer wanted to express everything but cannot express it properly.
No one is perfect. Not even a mother! Fawad Khan is so natural (I think all Pakistani actors are). And, Siddharth Malhotra looks (in every film) like he doesn’t understand what’s going around or maybe he doesn’t know how to react to the situations, any situation, no?
Richa, I completely understand what you’re trying to convey. But I do have a friend, who has struggled with dysfunctional parents and is still struggling with their never ending fight for a divorce as senior citizens. While it all sounds workable, there are some families which I believe can be happy only if they disintegrate. Big hugs to you!
I believe we are all humans who are sometimes afflicted by ego, rigid values and lack of communications. That’s how dysfunctions come in our lives. Watched Kapoor & Sons which is an amazing take on dysfunction within families. Agree with Rekha, it’s better in some cases if families disintegrate and they live on their own in the quest for happiness. But, you brought the message in a powerful manner. I’ll add as grown up adults, we look for that space and it’s better if we move out of the family nest.
Oh we’re never perfect, are we? And it’s the little quirks that makes individuals and the little disagreements that help us love more.
I think dysfunctional families are were there is neglect, abuse, addiction and and the inability to relate at any leve. Sadly there are many such families, Richa.
Richa , the idea of a perfect family is a myth. what happens behind the closed doors , the ups and downs and the differences that exist between awkward silences and vocal displeasures are something no outsider ever understands.
what we see is the happy times . .which exist too along with all that’s hidden.
I think the function of a family is preparing one for a world that exists outside – and we live in an imperfect world. but having said that , the function of a family is also to give us warmth , support , courage and sense of belonging once we battle through everything that we face in the real world.
Needless to say – some members are able to do justice to the role , some are too busy or worn out in the battles that they are facing to fit the role perfectly.
family is made of humans. And that makes it imperfect as far as its DNA is concerned right?
Too little to understand or may be that after being stressed relating to family i have stopped thinking this deep…
I accept the good i get, do the good i can do and ultimately tries to add all my work for moksha