I am very. Very very. Ashamed to tell you. That…… the diary I carry to work has…… run out of pages. I feel as guilty as the first person in examination hall who asks for ‘Extra Sheet.’

Anyways this mishap led to another one. In my getting-super-late-to-work morning panic I randomly dumped my so called personal diary in the bag. And now those scrawling morning meeting notes follow all the more interesting grocery lists and blogging to-dos.

But again, why am I telling you this?

Because today amidst all these mishaps, a bright surprise met me through this event. The first few pages of the diary were actually a part of my journal circa 2012. Re-reading the odd few pages made me so happy and delighted. All those emotions, little bits of life flooding back to my senses.

I am re-writing a portion of it here. 

“Everyday the numbness of living a life. Merely living it. Simply looking around people and getting scared. Why scared, one may ask. Scared because they make me wonder, is this what I bargained for? Not people. But life I am presently witnessing. See how mind works in circles. People represent life and life in those dark times people (rather the absence of them).

It all suddenly looks one big mess. What? Life of course. Whatever random, pattern less hoopla show this has become. Misleading, unnerving.

Has this really been brought about because I got the news of one man’s transfer? Really? Am I that weak? Can all the peace and calmness be thrown out the balcony due to one unconnected event? Mr. T’s transfer has visibly affected me. He is not even related to me, personally, professionally. I wonder if he even knows my name.

And here I am sleepless on an unusually quiet night. Writing with this pen which looks black and reflects blue on paper. Like life only. Looks something, is actually something else.

Get to the point. Now.

The fact that he is 42, has a wife and two kids and is completely secure as to who is and where. But he is not scared to move bag baggage and baraat to another land. To change all that he has worked up to. It is so unnerving. How can he do this? Isn’t he scared?

Have I become a dead weight to my own aspirations? I have surely become way too stagnant comfortable as to who I am.

There is something about people’s success radical decision making power that always puts me in line of introspection.

I keep thinking whether I may be too slow or rigid to actually grow anymore.”

This page was written a good three years back. And to think of it I eventually did get myself transferred with bag baggage and husband. So much for ‘introspection’ 🙂

Might just surprise you and dig out more later 🙂

Do you write journals? Have they ever been caught 😛