My mother, like for any other child, was the perfect woman in my life. I remember people going gaga over her cooking. Her students meeting us in malls, markets or parties and simply wanting to know why she is still not teaching. They would reminisce the time when she was a teacher and how they loved every minute of it. And this she had achieved, this formidable reputation of being the perfect teacher, in flat two years. Two years and people in her school considered her the best thing that happened to them.
Then she met my dad and he of course took little less than two minutes to decide that she was the best thing that happened to him 🙂 At his behest she quit her job, to now move over from the perfect teacher to become a perfect wife.
Dad often used to go on tours and would come back say randomly at four or three in the morning and she would always make sure she stays awake to serve him dinner. The catch was she would also have her dinner at that time. Dad would get angry but then remember now her new job was to be the perfect wife. Consequence, she began suffering from severe stomach issues. And soon as time would pass we saw her perpetually being dependent on medicines for gas and acidity.
Well moving on, I was born. The awesome human being that I am. She truly was the perfect mom to me and I was obviously the super cool daughter. Well time passed, my sister was born and as they say rest is history. She began to feel how a son was needed. She spent many a sleepless nights over it. And trust me she suffered. Not because my Dad said anything but of course like every story my grandmother did.
Moving on, time passed. And of course the super mom ensured that she cooked perfectly. Learning different cuisines and what not. Also we always stood in the top three of class, because lets face it we were the key to her “mother perfect” success. And Dad was on a super high, because she never allowed him to bat an eyelid for anything.
By that time she had started to suffer from severe sinus and acute spondilitis. Ahhh the story of spondilitis, she wanted to be a doctor. So what did she do? At the tender age of eighteen she didn’t sleep eat or live properly for six months to prepare for entrance. The outcome was not just her failure to get through but also the spondilitis.
My mother was only forty when she had a brain haemorrhage. I was thirteen and my sister eight.
Doctor often said maybe she was suffering from some tension. We were shocked! How could that possibly be? Dad loved her so much and I can vouch for it. The kids, they were simply everything she wanted them to be. Though all of us at the back of our minds had an inkling. She wanted to be perfect in everything. Everything. Nani would give her a call and off she would pick up the kinetic to meet her, to be the perfect daughter. Dad would need her to handle everything from bank work to household because he had to be everywhere meeting his friends, she complied. We needed her to get up at four so that we could revise, she did that.
I remember after her surgery when I went to meet her in the hospital, do you know what was the first thing she asked me? “How much did you get in chemistry, was it the highest?” I can never forget that.
And did I tell you, she walked for fifteen minutes every day to maintain her fitness and also take extra care of her looks before a party. Because remember she had to be pretty, the perfect woman is pretty she may be evil but pretty is important.
Why did I write this today? Because for twelve and a half years I have been wanting to scream back at her that you didn’t have to be perfect. We would still have loved you, you didn’t have to go all the way for everybody. You didn’t. It never mattered.
And I can’t say it to her because she is not here to listen anymore, but I guess I can say it to you people.
Cut yourself slack! You don’t have to be good at everything. If you can’t cook its okay, if you don’t have your kids shooting stars its fine. Your husband darling is equally genetically responsible for them. If your husband complains that the food is not good, reply that your salary aint good enough for me. Tell him that if he is stereotyping you with cooking, you can jolly well stereotype him with being the bread winner of the family. Tell him you need that diamond necklace its the only thing that would prove to you how is present career is worth his life.
Be happy, enjoy yourself. Go party with your gal pals, remember this life is as much yours as its others.
And please please don’t try to be the Kiran Bedi, Tarla Dalal and Indra Nooyi in one life. Trust me ask either one of these they would tell you how they are just Tarla Dala, not Kiran bedi. So don’t try to be a super woman because when god intended you to be a woman, he already added the silent super 🙂
And remember for every single kid their mom is perfect and they would never even realise or feel you are less than perfect for a single moment 🙂
And remember for every single kid their mom is perfect and they would never even realise or feel you are less than perfect for a single moment 🙂
what an amazing yet thoughtful read .. mums are actually super woman
Interestingly, had our mums not gone that every mile extra to make sure they were perfect for us and their hubbys .. they may not have been loved by kids so madly !!
Multi tasking is so very woman but excelling in almost all is specifically mum !
how soooo true “multitasking is so very woman but excleiing in almost all is specifically mum!” 🙂 🙂 loved your comment 🙂
This is a touching post Richa, our Mums go through so much of silent suffering just for our sake.
It was sad to read about her haemorrhage… and in the hospital even after enduring so much she is only concerned for her kids and her family!
You have given a very right conclusion to this Tribute, and you are right when you say that God added that silent super when he created woman!
Thanx for sharing this wonderful Post! Hats off to your Mother and all the Mothers of the world, they are truly divine. 🙂
yes kislaya I feel very strongly about this and till date if I see someone in my family pushing to become the “all rounder” I make sure I give them a huge lecture!
I agree to each and Every word of yours…Moms are indeed a supermom and yes…Multitasking is one of those several asset which possess…it was good read…!!!
thanks a lot anjan 🙂
Richa, it is a poignant tribute to your mother. I know that monstrous Indian obsession for a male child. We have been much ridiculed, I and my wife, even by our parents, three fourths of whom have gone the way of all flesh, and I can tell you it is all the same when they burn on the pyre – male, female and the in-betweens.
I am sorry for your mother, she seems to have been such a sweet bird. May her soul rest in peace.
I am sorry for you too. In her suffering. your mother was partial to you too.
And I don’t know who this Parentous is and why it is hoarding mileage from innocent and genuine bloggers like you. Forgive me for the rant.
You know umashankar what did you say a poignant tribute to her, its exactly that. This is the first ever post I have written that went public to many. I must have filled pages and pages of my diary but somewhere for 12 years I have remained clammed up. This post was written for women’s day and it garnered a huge response from people in office and my friends circle. That day I didnt sleep knowing for the first time ever I spoke all out. Everything lay all out for people to judge me and my family. But it felt damn good knowing that if at least even one person can be saved from it I have done my job.
This parentous competition came along for mother’s day and I knew I had to repost it only to make it reach to many. Its not a winning entry I have already posted that a while back. Its more to reach out to other women and their kids helping them get out of this “perfect” situation.
I know exactly what you and your wife must have faced I saw my parents living that nightmare each day.
I am also sorry for this rant sometimes things are too close to stick to just a few simple “thank you welcome” words 🙂
Thanks a lot for sharing your views…
Nice, perfect tribute to a perfect mom. But then, most men/women are like that, incorrigible perfectionists who never want to go out of this mode.
yes Easwar they do and its sometimes what often stops them from living their own life…
Such an honest post…guess some of us in our pursuit to be perfect miss out on some of the special aspects of our lives.. great read….
Thanks for visiting my blog on and off…I like your comments…please visit again! 🙂
(I also wrote a tribute to my mom a few days ago, check here : https://myriadrainbowhues.blogspot.in/2013/05/mama-mia.html)
yes thats what happens we do miss the special aspects to be just about perfect 🙂 and will definitely visit your blog 🙂
i read both ur entries..though i’m commenting on this one…really touching, i actually became numb when i read this one…what u’ve written is so true..we are perfect along with all our shortcomings..no need to torture ourselves and face such unfortunate consequences. ur aunts are really great, even i’ve got 7 aunts, so i understand the bond.
thanks for taking out time to read both nandini. But I would say that both my posts together complete the mother’s day posts for me. My aunts too became the moms to me and in a way i received more love and affection in process. And this whole perfect brouhua that women face really needs to stop.
Brilliant tribute! A hard hitting, poignant and powerful piece! Good on you!!
thanks a lot 🙂
Superbbb..
Bt u kno..every mom in this world is more or less the same…:)
yes thats true 🙂
So true..Moms get to a point when they are just too selfless and don’t take enough care of themselves..you have added a new dimension to this topic…
thanks tejaswini 🙂
the perfect post for the perfect woman…a super honet tribute to a super woman…an heart felt unsaid thanku for the woman who does everything for us and actually expects nothing in return…beautiful..:)…thanx for visiting my blog and giving me a chance or reading ur work..:)
🙂 🙂 you are too kind and nice to me 🙂
Hello Richa,
I came to your blog from Parentous.
What a heartfelt tribute to your Mom. Perfect! Perfect!
With respect to contest, for me this is a winner!!
I took a lesson from this post too – just to be myslef and be the best that I can be without having to push myself to be ‘perfect’…Thanks.
Glad i bumped into your blog.
thank you sooo much for such kind words 🙂
Very touching Richa. You are truly a very sensitive person.
Curiously, I was thinking along the same lines a while back. I felt as women, too much is asked of us sometimes. Why can’t we be allowed to be a bit messy, a bit of a failure now and then.
Yes ava that is there. We all sometimes begin to move towards the super woman syndrome..
I had tears in my eyes reading this, how women always go that extra yard..
I guess there is a lesson for all in this story and also so much emotion that I could feel you held back in yourself.
Actually I m not good at responding when I am too emotional.
((((hugs))))
this post really moved me. I wonder why all moms go beyond the limits to be perfect. I am not a mom so I dont kno yet but I wonder how my mom does it . Felt sad reading abt ur mom. I hope and pray she is in peace ! and the final message u gave is so true….
I am really sorry for your loss but thank you for sharing a very heartfelt tribute to your mother. You are so right, life is too short to try and achieve constant perfection. May your mother be at peace. Hugs.
Loved this post…
I can see so many of the mistakes that I’ve done as a mother, which your mom did too…but thank God, I realized in time that I need not be perfect and still be loved !!! Wish she too had understood that in time, she would’ve been here to give you a hug !!!
Hugs dear…take care !!!
Hello,
This is one of the best blog post I have read so far. Wish you all the very best..
Keep writing 🙂
God Bless..
Beautiful. When do we get to read you in paperback ? The burden of perfection is a heavy one to lift. Hope you have not been trying to do something like that 😀
Finding this post 3 years later, today. And much needed. This is what every struggling mother needs to hear. The mother that forgets herself to facilitate everyone else’s plans. I am sad for your loss. Yet joyful that you found the right words to find your light in this dark tunnel and are holding it up so that we can make use of it too.
God bless!
I am so glad to have met you!
You can’t scream back at her but you can learn from her life. I have seen my mother do exactly this, neglected herself so much and do nothing about the glorious life she had made before she got married. That despite my father not wanting her to do all that and instead concentrate on herself, she’s put us first and I think she’s done a disservice to herself. Women do that, Indian women. We forget that while loving everyone else, we can love ourselves too. We’ve seen our mothers do this, we must learn.
Coming back to where our conversation cut off yesterday, cut yourself some slack Richa. Those issues are just in your mind. ????