I don’t know where to begin. I have no frigging idea what am I even going to write. The Delhi gangrape case has left me numb beyond words can explain. She was on a date, she watched life of pi ( how I loved that movie had also seen it with my husband), she probably thought taking an auto all the way back would be expensive so she took a public transport such a common thing for students today yesterday and tomorrow to do. And then the horrible horrible incident happened. I can’t dwell more on the details because then I won’t be able to write, I know.Please bare with me because this write up would be very non linear, very random, maybe makes no sense most of the times.

People may not believe me but I haven’t slept for the past few days. I usually write a lot, I haven’t been able to do that. I haven’t read a single page of my Atlas Shrugged its stuck at 324 page number. To be honest I don’t even remember what the book was all about. Just a couple of days back I was all gung ho about it.

Each time somebody mentions the case I become numb. I can’t sleep well at night, till about one in the morning my eyes have watched the clock. I keep thinking what must have the girl faced? What must have that guy faced? What is the family feeling? Where is Rashi my sister? What will happen if god forbid I have a daughter? Yes you are right I used the word god forbid. I who have always been a staunch supporter of bearing girl children, grooming them to be future of tomorrow, today feels maybe female infanticide or foeticide is a good solution. What will I tell my daughter when she wants to go out with her guy pals at eleven in the night? Will I tell her that because she was born as a girl the fundamental rights to freedom are different? Will I not take a knife and stab myself before speaking such words? But then I know if I don’t speak these words I might not sleep well that night fearing my daughter may suffer because I wanted to be a modern mother. Now I know how my dad felt. Now I realise why every time he told me to wear jeans and t-shirt and not that knee length dress. He never screamed, always requested, shook his head.

All of the people around are blaming the police going mad talking about the government inaction. Will such people want to look inward? Will such people for once think why they might also be a problem? Why is it that a man who listens to his wife is called joru ka ghulam while a woman who listens to her husband is appreciated. Why is it that even today one just expects that the girl’s father would have to be humble and submissive why the boy’s family have complete reign. Why is it that the woman today are expected to work to augment family’s income yet their husband have no role to play in running a house. why is that we as Indians have completely lost our senses when we say “Western culture has no family integrity”. What family integrity do you have? When was the last time you appreciated a man who was forthcoming about giving equal rights to his wife? When was the last time you thought to yourself that a woman who talks about sex and freedom should be respected? When was the last time you looked at a mini skirt clad woman and though to yourself this is the woman I would want to marry? Get out of your stereotypes you BIGOTS!

You have no idea what a woman faces every single day. Today I find people talking that divorce cases are on a rise because people have too much of ego clashes. What they basically want to say is that the man’s ego was forever there now suddenly even a woman has a spine. Thats the issue. As long as she was hit around burnt away the society was a lala land.

I can’t even sum up the hypocrisy of the Indian society, I just cant. But then I am not just blaming the men here. Please don’t get me wrong, from where I see women are to be blamed more. They are the first ones to blame their peers for “misbehaviour” or “misconduct”.Mothers in law everywhere want grandsons, they can never appreciate the pain a working woman faces in running twenty four hours round the clock, yet she takes her income for granted. They have no idea what kind of a pain it is to step out into the society and face more discrimination only to come back home to just more of it. If a woman cannot understand the pain of a woman its better we all just wait for the society to annihilate itself.

I often wonder when as an individual you watch news or read articles speaking of such hypocrisies and then you go back and either silently observe such things in your family or around or worse become a party to it, do you sleep well at night? Do you tell yourself you are doing a good job of being a human being? I am here sitting at home helpless to see a girl facing such atrocities and not able to sleep at night. Do you who actually involve yourself in such acts of demeaning a woman and her integrity sleep well? You who don’t pay attention to your wife’s everyday ordeal, you who watch your daughter or daughter in law subjugated to your hypocrisies do you sleep well at night? You who discuss with your colleagues friends or family members this Delhi gangrape case do you sleep well thinking your inactivity in life maybe a factor to the girl’s pain today? Because guess what I cant sleep well at night thinking that maybe sometimes when you spoke like a true hypocrite in front of me I didn’t slap you, that sometimes thinking society demands me to be polite for all social niceties I let you blab sexist remarks and concepts. I cant sleep not because she lies in a hospital in sheer pain today but because I let some of you get away with a lot less than rape but nevertheless a deep sense of sexism on the whole.

Guess what is the sad part of life? I would have to still let you get away with all of that. Guess what you maybe my colleague friend relative or an acquaintance but next time you say how a girl is easy or “different” because she wears short clothes and has tooooo many guy friends I cant slap you. All I can do is smile nod and move on from you because as much as I would want to slap you I know it will have no effect on you.

I just want to part with one single thought. Tomorrow when you are sitting alone in your chair think in your head when was the last time you walked up to your wife/daughter/sister/mother and asked them if its tough being a woman, they may not reply but try looking for answers in their eyes that time.